I’ve come to learn that I am someone who is very focused on the near-future. I don’t think that this makes me a “present” person... that is just a much a struggle for me as anything else. But I am someone who doesn’t get too bothered by big things, in really any area of my life. My 5-year plan is not of large concern; and while I do consider the future for the sake of preparation, I find myself more or less okay with however it decides to play out. Even when large projects suddenly get thrown at me for work, I never feel like it’s going to drown me. What gets me, all the time and every time, is the fractional compounding of small details. To-do lists, daily routines, chores. While I find these activities cathartic, they feel insurmountable when looming against the backdrop of the end of the day or week.
The big stuff, to me, is like one of those huge tangled knots you spend hours trying to untie. It can be awful and frustrating, but there’s incremental work. It’s broken down into small steps; and as long as you’re persistent, it gets fixed. Not to mention, a lot of the time those knots work themselves out--so it’s just not productive to worry about each one. In contrast, the little things are like a circle of dominos that I have to constantly try to keep upright. It’s a race to see if I can set them all up as the chain reaction keeps working its way back to the start; all while I’m trying to work on untying my big knot ball. It adds a lot of stress to my life--there’s constant pressure to just “stay afloat,” but I’m really not sure what that means. Sometimes I wonder if there is a better way to order my priorities. And I wonder where the sweet spot is that makes discipline and initiative feel rewarding instead of draining. Maybe I just need to work on my dexterity.